June 16, 2024
Greater Gallatin Ground Squirrel Breeder's Association

GALLATIN COUNTY, Montana — A shocking report has exposed the role of the Greater Gallatin Ground Squirrel Breeder’s Association (GGGSBA) in the rampant proliferation of ground squirrels in the county over the last two decades.

The GGGSBA, a purported charitable organization that aims to conserve and celebrate ground squirrels as cohabitants and companions, has been covertly dumping hundreds of thousands of surplus squirrels into the wild every year.

The report reveals that the GGGSBA has been producing ground squirrels in massive quantities. The group has also been peddling some of the squirrels to naive buyers, who often end up discarding them or releasing them into the wild.

The consequence is a colossal overpopulation of ground squirrels in Gallatin County, which has caused severe ecological and economic harm. The squirrels have been competing with native fauna for food and space, spreading infections and pests, destroying crops, flowers, and backyards. They’ve also caused power failures and traffic mishaps.

The GGGSBA has rejected any culpability, and has issued a statement defending its actions. “We are proud of our work and our vision. Ground squirrels are amazing animals that deserve our admiration and care. We have been providing them with a secure and affectionate environment, and we have been helping them find new families by releasing them in popular subdivisions in Bozeman, Belgrade, and beyond. We have also been contributing to the diversity and beauty of Gallatin County. We believe that ground squirrels are a gift, not a plague.”

However, many residents and officials are furious by the GGGSBA’s activities, and are calling for legal action and responsibility. “This is a serious environmental and public health disaster. The GGGSBA has been deceiving us and endangering us for too long. They need to be closed down and prosecuted. And they need to pay for the damage they have done,” said one irate citizen.

The Montana Department of Fish, Wildlife and Parks (MDFWP) has launched an official investigation into the GGGSBA, and has issued a warning to the public to avoid contact with ground squirrels. The MDFWP has also announced plans to implement a large-scale ground squirrel control program, the details of which are mostly unknown, but Google Trends shows a recent significant spike in search traffic for a particular type of large-breed snake that is known for its taste for the common Richardson Ground Squirrel.

The GGGSBA has vowed to fight back against any attempts to harm or remove the ground squirrels. “We will not stand by and watch our beloved squirrels be taken from us. We will do everything in our power to protect them and their rights. We are not the villains here. We are the heroes,” said the president of the GGGSBA.