June 16, 2024
Sparkler Fart

BOZEMAN, Montana — Ordinance 2134, passed by Bozeman City Commission on May 2, 2023 has sparked a Blazin’ Bottom Rebellion in Bozeman. In a move of bold, flammable defiance against the city-wide fireworks ban, the residents of Bozeman have cooked up a sparking new way to celebrate the Fourth of July. As opposed to the traditional explosion of colors in the sky, local citizens have decided to ignite the holiday spirit with a more personal touch, replacing fireworks with an audacious display of methane-fueled flames. Yes, the talk of the town is, indeed, lighting farts.

This grassroots, or perhaps more accurately “gastro-intestinal-roots,” movement has spread like wildfire, or rather like a sulphury gas leak ignited by a stray spark. Dubbed the “Farty Fourth,” it’s a lesser-known tradition catching momentum that combines patriotic fervor, dietary planning, and a complete disregard for personal safety.

“When the city banned fireworks, we initially thought our Fourth of July was ruined,” said one local resident, decked out in flame-retardant overalls and an impressively resilient pair of underpants, both purchased from Murdoch’s Ranch & Home Supply in north Bozeman. “But then we realized that our freedom to celebrate was not extinguished, it merely needed…rerouting.”

With the city’s fireworks sales plummeting, citizens have taken to consuming diets heavy in beans, cabbage, and carbonated drinks, to generate their own personal combustibles. The sight of Bozemanites gorging on a fiber-rich diet to prepare for the ‘big night’ has become a common spectacle in local grocery stores.

Bulk Beans at Bozeman Grocery Store
Bulk Beans at Bozeman Grocery Store

Safety measures for the event are relatively lax, with the most significant being a hearty recommendation of flame-resistant clothing and the general rule to “avoid standing downwind”. The local fire department, while initially concerned, has now resigned itself to stationing extra crews around the city on the night of the Fourth, ready to douse any overzealous ignitions.

One cannot ignore the symbolic undercurrent to this unique celebration. When asked what the Farty Fourth meant to him, one participant responded, “Our forefathers fought for our freedom. And this is freedom in its rawest form: the freedom to let one rip, light it up, and salute our independence.”

While outsiders may view this as an unconventional, if not alarming, approach to celebrating Independence Day, Bozeman residents see it as a creative solution to a municipal problem. As the sun sets on the Fourth, all eyes, and noses, will undoubtedly be turned towards Bozeman, as they redefine what it means to have a blast on Independence Day.

Disclaimer

Don’t light your freakin’ farts on fire.