June 16, 2024
Bearded, 5-foot-11 white guy

GALLATIN COUNTY, MONTANA — The National Invasive Species Council (NISC) has issued a warning advising Gallatin County to take measures to slow the population growth of average-height bearded white guys.

“Much like the non-native brown and rainbow trout they fish for, 5-foot-11 Bearded White Guys have been in our area for decades,” said Daisy Oxeye of the NISC. “Unfortunately, as Bozeman has grown, their population is growing faster than can be supported.”

This spread has occurred primarily through human activities, such as owning a Toyota Tacoma or telling everyone they’re super into climbing. Their habitat — overpriced cookie-cutter duplexes — has decimated local ranch and farmlands.

It has also had a damaging effect on Bozeman’s biodiversity. “Why even swipe through a dating app at this point?” said single MSU sophomore Tansy Ragwort. “It’s just the same guy holding a fish.”

The NISC is hoping that a radical new effort will encourage the species to migrate back to their native Denver by telling them that the price of the Epic Pass has gone down.

Gallatin Valley residents are encouraged to report sightings. Five-foot-11 white guys are known to congregate outside of Upper Cut barbershop, the trailhead of the M and real estate offices, mortgage brokerages, and title companies.