GALLATIN COUNTY, MONTANA — Montana Game, Fish and Parks have issued a warning that otters have been seen gathering on the Madison and Jefferson rivers and may be planning to go on the offensive this summer.
“After their actions last summer on the Jefferson, the otter population may have become emboldened by their victory,” said GFP Chief of Staff, Robin Graham.
In 2023, a group of otters led an attack on tubers on the Jefferson River, their first action since a 2021 skirmish on the Big Hole River. With concerning similarities to current human conflicts, this amassing of strength along the river borders could indicate an effort by otter leadership to annex the river back under their control.
Anonymous representatives of the otter population called the allegations “baseless” and insisted that their actions are related to mating season.
“Look how cute we are!
This is obviously a false flag operation by humans. We naturally become more aggressive when mating and when protecting our pups. This is our way of life. They shouldn’t be surprised when the rivers run red with blood…er, um, I mean, when the rivers are full of these happy people we happily share the space with! Come on over! Throw your tubes in. We love to see your butts from underwater!”
Bozeman citizens who tube the river in cheap Unicorn-shaped floaties and treat it like a lazy river at an all-inclusive resort have been slow to respond to the apparent threats.
“That’s cap, bruh. My Yeti is already covered in stickers and filled with White Claws! I can’t wait to get out there!”
Enjoying the remaining sliver of satire in this increasingly ridiculous world.
